I’m getting ready to fly to Georgia this afternoon for a judging trip and as always, am trying to decide what to wear. No, I’m really not that much of a prima donna, I’m just in my midtwenties and, depending on my outfit, can be assumed to be anything from a college student to a businesswoman. To me, flying is a nice bit of solitude. No one can reach me while I’m in the air, and I’m not bothered with anything from real life. It’s peace. When on a plane or in an airport, I like to nap, read books and/or do some people watching. Airports are interesting because the majority of us are alone in a sea of people.
But back to the clothes. If I wear jeans, a T-shirt and tennis shoes I’m often mistaken for being 18 and/or a first time air traveler. TSA agents stop in front of me to bark out the liquids and gels policy and pat me on the head when I get it right. Other passengers (usually baby boomer men) have actually shoved me around in lines. The advantage of this disguise is that no one attempts to talk to me about work.
If I opt for professional-casual, such as a black turtleneck, dark wash jeans, high-heeled boots, conservative jewelry and a trench coat if it’s cold, the change is amazing. TSA agents ignore me. Rude middle aged men treat a six foot tall woman much differently than they do a five foot eight college girl. But I am usually seen as more approachable for business conversation.
In years of flying, I have noticed a few reliable Aerotypes, and developed strategies for dealing with them. It should be noted that I’m entirely unable to come up with witty retorts on the spot, so the likelihood of me saying any of these things is really pretty slim. However, all examples of Aerotype behavior are true.
The Detective
The Detective likes to ask questions. Many of this type are impervious to clues that one might not want to talk, such as sleeping or reading. If you are a rabbit judge, extreme caution must be taken with this type. Mentioning anything about the rabbits will ensure your entire plane ride consists of questions about them. How are rabbits shown, how many kinds are there, do they do tricks, etc. The stock answer when a Detective asks the reason for your trip is “visiting friends,” but some aren’t satisfied with this. You know you have found a Detective if your conversation goes like this:
“Where are you going?”
“Atlanta” (while returning to book or sleep)
“What for?”
“Visiting friends” (again returning to book or sleep)
“Oh, that’s nice. Are they friends from college? How do you know them?”
(controlling urge to tell them to MYOB) “Um, family friends.”
“What do your friends do?”
“Well, actually they’re assassins, they specialize in people who ask too many questions.”
The Undisciplined Parent
Most parents do a good job of traveling with their children, which makes those who don’t stand out. The parents to avoid are the types who believe that little Johnny or Susie choosing to kick the crap out of your seat is a valid form of expression. Polite requests, such as “Please stop kicking my seat,” are met with an icy glare as they cradle the head of the child whose self-esteem you have irreparably wounded.
These types also become offended if you attempt to move your belongings, clothing or hair away from their baby’s saliva and graham cracker coated hands. They fail to understand how you could not be charmed by their little darling’s attempt to enhance your blowout.
The best way to deal with this is to request another seat. One behind the child is preferable, due to the high likelihood of Johnny or Susie’s snack becoming a projectile.
The Networker
The Networker is a relentless businessperson. They are never without briefcases and laptops. Always in a hurry, they often carry coffee and upon taking a seat at the gate or on the plane, power up the computer, pull out spreadsheets, and make loud sighs of disgust. Networkers are often overheard having loud phone conversations that consist mainly of sales figures and rescheduling meetings. When confronted with an inability to work, such as a space-limited regional jet, they like to know about other people’s work. Fortunately, they’re easy to get rid of:
“So, where do you work?”
(hunkering down in seat and glancing side-to-side) “I can’t talk about it. They’re watching.”
The Bully
Bullies are usually middle aged men. Their typical attire is a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, socks and Crocs. A red alcoholic nose is a telltale sign of a Bully. Bullies are loud and obnoxious, and like to shove college girls out of the way. This behavior is usually displayed at check-in kiosks and luggage carousels. Some are worse before the flight and mellow with a few cocktails, others are just the reverse. If you encounter one after security, it’s best to just stand your ground or avoid them. Pre-security, a loud “Back off!” is a good idea if TSA agents are nearby. Most Bullies will calm down if threatened with a cavity search.
The Nutcase
Nutcases are hard to classify, but easy to spot. These are the people who make you say a prayer of thanks for metal detectors. Some of them are so strange they’d be rejected as sitcom characters for being “too unbelievable.” Their attire is varied, but can be as odd as several strips of masking tape with random words written on them stuck to the back of a Nutcase’s coat and sweater. They also tend to react strangely to any flight problems; while a delay will result in a sigh and groan from most, a Nutcase will sometimes erupt in laughter. They appear not to realize the danger this behavior could put them in when surrounded by people who have been wearing the same clothes for 48 hours. Headphones are the best weapons against Nutcases.
I think today I will attempt for the middle of the road between college girl and businesswoman. But I’ll be packing some headphones.
